236 If “trying harder” built discipline and consistency you’d be there by now (instead - steal the secrets of my most successful clients)
If you’ve ever looked at another woman’s progress and thought - “she’s just got more motivation than me”, then consider this episode your (gentle) wake up call. Because my most successful client aren’t asking how can I be more motivated, or relying on willpower or just trying harder than you.
Instead, they’ve dumped control and perfectionism and let themselves do something too many of us resist: getting honest, getting curious and staying in the work even when it feels uncertain.
In this episode, I’m breaking down the core traits I see in my most successful clients - the ones who create real change and feel amazing in their own skin.
We talk about letting go of the “try harder” trap, and about how to build an inner world that continues to support you, even when motivation goes missing. These are the success habits that really work.
RESOURCES:
Secret (& Free) Limited Podcast: Confident As F**k (Even When You’re Not There Yet)
Work with me: www.lifeeditcoaching.com
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Transcript
You might assume that the women you see achieving the things that you also desire for yourself are just more disciplined, more organized, more motivated, or just plain lucky, whether they're losing weight, becoming more confident, or seem to have discovered how to live life with so much more calm and balance.
Speaker A:But of course, that rarely reflects the actual truth of what's really going on.
Speaker A:And so today, I'm going to share with you what I've learned from the women I've worked with over the last 12 plus years and reveal the secrets of my most successful clients, the ones who have the breakthroughs, who nail those healthy habits and who get closer every single day to feeling amazing in their own skin.
Speaker A:Welcome to the Busy Woman's Guide to Wellbeing, the podcast for women who are done with the hustle and are ready to feel at home in their own skin.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alex Life, therapeutic and fitness coach for busy women who want to do less, live more, and feel good from the inside out.
Speaker A:Every week I'm going to help you to cut through the noise, challenge the shoulds, and find new ways to live and move that actually feel like you.
Speaker A:Hello.
Speaker A:Hello.
Speaker A:Welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker A:This week and today, I'm sharing with you the secrets of my most successful clients.
Speaker A:What is it that they're doing differently that means they are reaching their goals and feeling at their most confident?
Speaker A:And I've been wanting to do this for quite a while because like I said earlier, I've been working with women for over 12 years, getting on for 13 in lots of different capacities, as a personal trainer, as a postnatal coach, as a pelvic floor specialist, as a massage therapist, as a therapeutic coach, all of those things.
Speaker A:And I've really seen over that time the difference between those that succeed and those that don't.
Speaker A:And those that succeed, it's down to how they approach the work, what they decide to do with it, and the work that they are doing every single day themselves to make the changes.
Speaker A:Those are the things that are making the difference and are making these women especially successful.
Speaker A:And, you know, I really want to celebrate them.
Speaker A:I really want to celebrate the things they do.
Speaker A:But I also want to show you that these women are not superhuman.
Speaker A:They're just normal women like you.
Speaker A:They don't have some special level of discipline that other people don't share.
Speaker A:And it's not that they just work harder than other people.
Speaker A:It's simply that they have done something that not everybody is willing to do and they've let themselves step into something that didn't always feel certain, that sometimes felt a bit messy.
Speaker A:They've stuck with it, they've trusted it, and it's ultimately transformed the way they feel about themselves in one or often many areas of their lives.
Speaker A:Because let's be honest, when we're talking about our bodies especially, that has a knock on effect on so many other parts of what we do.
Speaker A:When we achieve things there, when we achieve goals there, it makes us feel more confident about ourselves more generally.
Speaker A:And that doesn't mean just losing weight, because obviously we talk about that a lot.
Speaker A:But just getting stronger, just having the perseverance to get through tough days and difficult workouts, all of those things have a real knock on effect on everything else.
Speaker A:And I think, you know, those women, the women I'm going to talk about today, the really successful clients, they are the ones who understand that they are the ones who understand that it's not quick, that it will require a little bit of work, that it will require some discomfort sometimes, that they're going to have to work through, that they will have to go through the tough bits as well as the easy bits, as well as the bits that feel good.
Speaker A:And you know, what I really want you to know is that if there's an area that you're finding really challenging right now, if there is a goal you're working towards, you're not quite getting the results that you want, then this is open to you as well.
Speaker A:Well, because like I say, these women are just normal women.
Speaker A:They're women that you work with, they're women that you're friends with, they're women that you see walking down the street.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And I, I strongly believe that if they can do it, then you can do it too.
Speaker A:What it requires is the right mindset going into it and is the, the willingness to do certain things that not everybody is willing to do.
Speaker A:So I'm literally going to dive straight into it and we're going to talk through the seven key things that I have seen them do or I've seen them let.
Speaker A:That has really turned things around for them.
Speaker A:So the first one is they let go of the idea that more control equals more change.
Speaker A:And this is a trap that we often fall into, isn't it?
Speaker A:We think that if we can just control this particular area of our lives, if we could just control ourselves a little bit more around it, whether it's exercise, whether it's food, whether it's work, whatever it is, that we will see the change that we want to.
Speaker A:And often what that actually does is it Sets up a lot of resistance within ourselves.
Speaker A:It actually makes things a lot more difficult to get to.
Speaker A:And so those women that I work with who are more successful, they are the ones who have allowed themselves to let go of the idea that they need to be more in control and instead they've got curious about other avenues, other ways of getting to their goals.
Speaker A:They've recognized that the more they try and control, the further away they actually get from creating that trust within themselves.
Speaker A:And they know that that trust is vital for creating a more supportive inner world.
Speaker A:And that's the thing.
Speaker A:If you approach stuff from a place of I don't trust my body, I don't like my body, I feel like it's worked against me for so long and I'm pissed off with it, then you are not going to create that supportive inner world that you need to, to take you on that process of change.
Speaker A:It's just not going to happen.
Speaker A:And so these successful women, they've got curious, they've been open to other ways of doing things, they've been open to other ways of getting to their goals.
Speaker A:They've been open to the fact that that might have to change along the way, that the way they think about things might have to change along the way.
Speaker A:I suppose flexibility is what it is, isn't it?
Speaker A:It's that flexibility of mind that allows them to be resilient, but also to change course when they need to change course.
Speaker A:Not for the sake of it, not because they're not getting their goal and they're going, oh God, this isn't working, I need to do.
Speaker A:But going, okay, I'm not quite getting where I need to go.
Speaker A:What other ways could I approach this?
Speaker A:They've got curious about it and that has been a really, really important part of their journey.
Speaker A:The second thing is that they have used self awareness as the path to success.
Speaker A:They did not expect someone else to fix them or tell them what they needed to do or to motivate them.
Speaker A:Because believe me, I have tried in the past to encourage and cheerlead people who were not ready to do the work.
Speaker A:And it was soul destroying for them and it was soul destroying for me.
Speaker A:So the work really shines.
Speaker A:The work that I do really shines.
Speaker A:When people come to me with an openness, they come to me with a deep knowledge that they are the only ones that can truly do the work, that they have to be willing to go there and do that work.
Speaker A:And you know, the people that I've worked with has really changed over the years as A result, because in my early days, I said yes to anybody and everybody, literally.
Speaker A:I just wanted to work with people.
Speaker A:I just wanted to work with women.
Speaker A:I just wanted to have clients.
Speaker A:I just wanted to, you know, get started and give them a program and to see them progress.
Speaker A:And over the years, I worked with probably way too many people who weren't ready.
Speaker A:That's not to say anything bad about them.
Speaker A:It doesn't mean to denigrate them.
Speaker A:It just means that they weren't in that place yet.
Speaker A:They might have been at a later point, at a different point in their lives, but at that point, they weren't ready to do that yet.
Speaker A:And they came to me expecting me to do it for them, expecting me to tell them what to do, expecting me to fix them all the time.
Speaker A:And I can't do that.
Speaker A:I can give you the tools, I can give you the strategies.
Speaker A:I can ask the right questions.
Speaker A:I can point you in the right direction.
Speaker A:I can do all of those things for you and more.
Speaker A:But what I can't do is I can't make you motivated.
Speaker A:I can't make you want it more than you want it for yourself.
Speaker A:And that's the truth of it.
Speaker A:Nobody can.
Speaker A:And, you know, my heart would always kind of sink when somebody would say, I just want someone to motivate me.
Speaker A:And I would just think, oh, God, here we go.
Speaker A:That means that they don't believe they've got it within themselves, and they think that it's going to come from outside of them, and it's not.
Speaker A:And so, actually, quite a few years ago now, I really did do a bit of a cull of my PT clients and really made sure that I was working with the women who were getting the best out of me because they.
Speaker A:We're approaching it with the right kind of mindset.
Speaker A:And since then, I've also been a lot more wary of who I take on and making sure that the women that I take on are ready to do that.
Speaker A:So it's really important that you don't expect other people to fix things for you.
Speaker A:And like I say, my most successful clients, they do not expect that.
Speaker A:They come in willing to do the work.
Speaker A:They come in willing and flexible to change the way they think about things.
Speaker A:They come in willing and flexible to get uncomfortable sometimes.
Speaker A:That has been really, really important.
Speaker A:The third thing, they stop arguing with reality.
Speaker A:And I think this is so important because how often do you say to yourself, oh, it'll be easier when I'm less busy.
Speaker A:This.
Speaker A:This is such a thing that comes Up.
Speaker A:Oh, I'll.
Speaker A:I'll get on it when I'm less busy.
Speaker A:I've just got to get through this bit in my life and then I'll get on it.
Speaker A:You know, they stop telling themselves that they'll sort it out when they've got more time, instead of dealing with life exactly as it is now.
Speaker A:And really, you know that that's where we go.
Speaker A:They stop arguing with it and they just go, right, well, this is the way that it is.
Speaker A:I don't want it to stay like this.
Speaker A:So what am I going to do?
Speaker A:What are the actions that I'm going to take?
Speaker A:How am I going to do this for myself?
Speaker A:And so what then also happens is they don't beat themselves up when things don't quite go to plan.
Speaker A:They do not expect to be perfect.
Speaker A:In fact, they plan for it to be messy because it's going to be.
Speaker A:Because a problem that I see a lot is people will wait and wait and wait for the time when they have got more time or they're more motivated or whatever it might be.
Speaker A:And then they go, right, I'm doing it, I'm all in, let's go.
Speaker A:And then four weeks later, something happens and it smashes to pieces everything they've been trying to do.
Speaker A:They're expecting it to stay perfect and when it doesn't, it completely throws them off.
Speaker A:Instead, my successful clients are going, well, life is messy.
Speaker A:This is the way that my life is.
Speaker A:How do we work with that?
Speaker A:Instead of trying to work against it, instead of trying to spend my whole life thinking, I wish things were different, I wish it wasn't like this, I wish it was easier.
Speaker A:So that's a really important thing that they do.
Speaker A:The next thing they do, they didn't try and do more and more and more, and they haven't concerned themselves with consistency.
Speaker A:What they've actually done is they've worked on simplifying things and taking away things that were causing the most stress.
Speaker A:So a few examples.
Speaker A:I've had clients who have stopped weighing themselves because it was causing them lots and lots of stress.
Speaker A:I've had clients who stopped calorie counting because again, it was causing a lot of pressure and stress.
Speaker A:I've seen clients who have taken away self care that wasn't working.
Speaker A:I've had clients who have stopped saying yes to everything and everybody.
Speaker A:I've had clients who've dumped the need to always be the good girl and so much more.
Speaker A:So part, part of the process of change is kind of shedding.
Speaker A:It is shedding the outer skin, isn't it?
Speaker A:It's not changing who you are fundamentally as a person.
Speaker A:It's not changing everything about you.
Speaker A:It's not trying to change everything about your life, but it's.
Speaker A:It's shedding a skin of stuff that is causing pressure, that is causing maybe anxiety, that is causing you to feel like you're being held back.
Speaker A:And when you start taking away the things that are causing stress, when you start letting go of some of that, it makes a huge difference.
Speaker A:It just makes you feel lighter.
Speaker A:In other words, they've done a bit of a life edit.
Speaker A:Like, literally a life edit.
Speaker A:Why do you think my new business name is Life Edit?
Speaker A:Because this is what we're doing and they're focusing on the stuff that really freaking matters to them, the stuff that is actually moving the needle.
Speaker A:They're not getting distracted by all of the other crap.
Speaker A:And, you know, people will always come back to me with, yeah, but there's so much that I, I have to do.
Speaker A:You know, I have to pick up the kids, I have to sort them out with school, I have to do the washing, I have to do the work I have to do.
Speaker A:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker A:There's lots of stuff in your life that you.
Speaker A:You can't stop doing.
Speaker A:But do you know what?
Speaker A:I bet among that there's stuff that you say yes to all the time.
Speaker A:You know, I've got one particular client.
Speaker A:She used to say yes to everything.
Speaker A:She was on the PTA and she'd volunteer at all the events at school and she would help out the rugby club that her son went to and all of those things.
Speaker A:And she started to realize she's like, I don't have to say yes to all of this.
Speaker A:I can stop doing some of this.
Speaker A:I can start to say no.
Speaker A:And my gosh, it made the hugest difference.
Speaker A:But it's not only that stuff.
Speaker A:It's also, like I say, women who stop weighing themselves, who stop calorie counting because they recognize that it was just causing so much pressure.
Speaker A:It was actually affecting their mood.
Speaker A:I mean, that used to be me.
Speaker A:Literally, the weighing myself all the time used to affect my mood and how I felt on that particular day.
Speaker A:It wasn't doing me any good.
Speaker A:It wasn't helping me to stay in control.
Speaker A:It was just making me feel shit about myself, quite honestly.
Speaker A:And so what I've seen of the most successful women I work with is they are ready to strip back.
Speaker A:They're not coming and going, well, no, there's nothing I can change about my life.
Speaker A:It's too busy.
Speaker A:And that's just the way it is.
Speaker A:They're going, right?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I recognize there might be a lot that I do have to do, but I bet you there are at least two or three things that I can let go of.
Speaker A:So definitely that is a big thing.
Speaker A:The next thing, they know when to get support.
Speaker A:They also know when not to get support.
Speaker A:Now you might think that as a coach I'd be encouraging every single one of you to reach out and get support, but the truth is my work is not for everybody.
Speaker A:My work is for people who already have a certain level of self awareness, for people who are already investing at least a little bit of time and energy into making changes because I know that that person is already change ready.
Speaker A:They've already started down that path and so we are going to get the best possible results together because they're primed for it.
Speaker A:They've come in with the awareness of do you know what?
Speaker A:I know that I need to reconnect to myself.
Speaker A:I know that there are certain things that I need to let go of.
Speaker A:Let's go, let's do it.
Speaker A:And I'm like, yes, okay, good, we've got that self awareness already.
Speaker A:And so the women that I work with, particularly in my coaching have a good level of self awareness already.
Speaker A:They just need direction.
Speaker A:They just need somebody to ask them the right questions so that they can forge ahead in that direction.
Speaker A:And it's not that they wouldn't work it out for themselves.
Speaker A:Eventually they probably would, but it's just going to be a lot, lot quicker when you do it with me.
Speaker A:You know those, they don't need persuading, they don't need cajoling to do everything because like I said earlier, that just ends up being soul destroying.
Speaker A:If I have somebody come to me, they're like, well, I kind of want to change but you know, this is difficult and that's difficult and the other's difficult.
Speaker A:And I'm not really sure that I'm thinking you're not ready.
Speaker A:You need to do some other work on yourself first.
Speaker A:You need to get yourself into a position where you're ready to do that.
Speaker A:But when you are ready, when you have reached that level of self awareness, when you are already investing a little bit of time and energy into those things, then that's when the support is going to work the best.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:So I will be very careful not to work with people who need persuading and cajoling to do everything because it's just not going to happen.
Speaker A:I need somebody who's already open and aware.
Speaker A:And again, those are my most successful clients because they are the ones that are coming to me and they're like, yeah, now is the time I've started.
Speaker A:I'm kind of aware that these are the things that I need to change, but I'm not sure how to do those by myself.
Speaker A:So I need your help to do them.
Speaker A:And so that's where we go from.
Speaker A:Yeah, knowing when to get support and also when they're not ready for that support, as well as they can make the absolute most of it.
Speaker A:The next thing they're not waiting for motivation.
Speaker A:I kind of briefly mentioned this earlier, but they already know that that motivation is really fickle.
Speaker A:Motivation means absolutely nothing like, sure, when you're feeling motivated, enjoy it, make the flipping most of it.
Speaker A:Go do the extra workout, go for that extra long walk, get down at your desk and do a load more work.
Speaker A:Right when I am going through motivated phases, damn right I'm going to make the most of it, but I'm not expecting it to last forever.
Speaker A:Motivation is fickle.
Speaker A:So instead what they're doing is they're creating an internal environment that is more resilient so that it supports them through the good times and the motivated times, but also so through the not so good and not so motivated times.
Speaker A:And that's really important because if you're sitting there right now thinking I need to wait until I'm motivated, then you're going to spend your life doing that.
Speaker A:You're going to spend your life going through periods of hey, I'm motivated, I'm doing all the things.
Speaker A:And then periods of oh, I'm not motivated, I can't do anything at all.
Speaker A:Right, so you need to create that internal environment.
Speaker A:And again, like I say, some of the other things that I already talked about, they are helping them to create the internal environment.
Speaker A:You know, the life edit, the stripping things back, no longer arguing with reality.
Speaker A:That self awareness that they have is all going to help them to create that better internal environment so that they can, they can really make the changes that they want to make.
Speaker A:And then last but not least, they stay in the energy of curiosity and openness.
Speaker A:Now this does not mean that some days don't feel frustrating, but the general level of travel is towards opening up their mind to what's possible and being willing to experiment with that, that and then stick with the stuff that is working, but experiment with the stuff that is not and know that you're not going to always have it figured out and that that's okay.
Speaker A:And that some days it's going to be shit and you're not going to want to do anything and that's okay.
Speaker A:All of those things are, are just normal.
Speaker A:They're normal for every single one of us.
Speaker A:The difference with those that succeed is they stay curious, they stay open, they stay ready to alter course when they need to and that keeps them really resilient.
Speaker A:So yeah, really trying not to have your, have your mindset one specific path and keep plugging away.
Speaker A:Plugging away, plugging away even when it's not working.
Speaker A:But become, become open to other opportunities and other ways of doing things that, that for sure is, is really, really important.
Speaker A:So like I say, these women, these successful women that I've worked with, they did not have it all figured out from the start.
Speaker A:You know, some of them initially came to me in that place of needing and wanting to be fixed.
Speaker A:They did, honestly.
Speaker A:But through our conversations, through their own internal work, they became or they began to realize that the desire had to come from within them.
Speaker A:And once that switch got flipped, that's when things started to change and started to drop into place.
Speaker A:If you're still thinking, oh, I need to get my act together or I need more willpower or that consistency is suddenly going to fix it for you, or if you've ever caught yourself thinking, well, it's okay for her because then I want you to get really honest with yourself.
Speaker A:Are you just doubling down on stuff that is not working?
Speaker A:Have you got like a one track mind towards this is the only thing that is ever going to work for me to make me feel the way that I want to feel?
Speaker A:Or are you open and curious to other ways and means of doing things?
Speaker A:Are you falling into the trap of try harder, try harder, try harder that tries to convince you that doing more is always the answer?
Speaker A:Because I can promise you, if that is what you're doing, then we need to maybe go in a different direction of travel.
Speaker A:We need to start looking at what we can edit, what we can let go of, what we can become open to that is going to help us.
Speaker A:There are different ways of doing this and they're often or often the most successful things are not the try harder things.
Speaker A:The most successful things are the try different things.
Speaker A:And are you avoiding the work that really needs to be done on your inner world?
Speaker A:And that is so important because it's.
Speaker A:I think that it's very true that the work that we do on ourselves physically on our outer world can have an impact on our inner world.
Speaker A:But the biggest change comes when we actually do that, work consciously on our inner world, creating an inner reality for ourselves that can be more resilient.
Speaker A:And ask yourself this question instead, if any of that rings true with you.
Speaker A:What am I holding onto right now that is not letting me be curious?
Speaker A:Is it a belief?
Speaker A:Is it a thought?
Speaker A:Is it an emotion?
Speaker A:What is it that you are holding onto right now that is not letting you be curious?
Speaker A:But most of all, from today, I want you to remember this.
Speaker A:My most successful clients are not the lucky ones.
Speaker A:They are not the ones with more willpower.
Speaker A:They are not the ones who just worked harder.
Speaker A:They are the ones who stop blaming themselves, who actually open themselves up to a new way of relating to themselves and reconnecting with themselves.
Speaker A:And that means you have the power to do that, too.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:So I'll leave that with you.
Speaker A:And for now, I'm gonna love you and leave you.
Speaker A:And I'll see you back here again next time.
Speaker A:Thank you, as always, for joining me.
Speaker A:If this episode has hit home, share it with another woman who needs to hear it.
Speaker A:And come connect with me on Instagram @lifeeditwithalex for more real talk talk, mindset shifts and daily inspiration.
