222 Stop the “spiral” and get back on track | Emotional Regulation for Fitness & Food

Speaker A: 00:00:00

This week we are talking about the spiral, which is that moment where the old excuses start whispering to you, trying to persuade you you do not have time for that workout today after all. Or saying, screw it, we're going to start again on Monday.

And I think a lot of us are familiar with that feeling, and we're also familiar with the shame and frustration spiral that also goes with it.

So today we're going to talk about what to do when you're actually there in the moment, when you're at that fork in the road with one side tempting you into what's easy right now and the other side into the part that you promised yourself you would stick to.

We're going to talk about how to navigate that with a bit more calm and from a place of higher emotional regulation so we can make the choice that serves both us and our goals better.

Welcome to the Busy Woman's Guide to Fitness and Wellness, where we celebrate you exactly as you are and help you to be the fit, strong, confident woman you deserve to be.

We tackle everything from diet, culture and body image through to how to let go of the hustle, the pressure and the overwhelm and find your balance and energy in a busy life.

I'm Alix, women's fitness and wellness expert, therapeutic coach, founder of Life Edit with Alix and Mum of two, and I'm here with your weekly dose of inspiration, helping you to rewrite the rules and live life on your own terms.

Hello there.

We are back with another fresh episode this week, and this time we're going to get right into a state that a lot of us are familiar with, and it's that place where we essentially have a decision to make.

So in one direction, we're looking at the path that continues to carry us towards our goals, the one that quite possibly feels just a little bit harder, a little bit more painful in the here and the now.

And the other direction, which is the path of least resistance, the one that is easier at the time, in the moment, that offers us that instant relief, but that, over the longer term, unfortunately, causes more frustration, especially when it feels like that's the path that we keep choosing. So what I'd love us to do today is to be able to take a step back from here, take a step back from this moment we're about to spiral, to see what's really going on in that moment, so that the next time that you are presented with that fork in the road, you're going to be able to make that decision from a different place.

So how does this spiral work? Well, I think it's something that we have all experienced probably many times over.

So it's that moment where we are about to skip or we have skipped the workout. We've had that late night snack that we feel has maybe derailed all the efforts that we've been making with our nutrition.

We have missed a couple of days of meditating when we said we were gonna do it every single day this week. And before you know it, your brain is writing this brand new story which says, I've blown it, I'm gonna reset again next week.

And the problem is when we keep doing that to ourselves, we start to wire within us this belief that we just can't stick to things, or we always fall off the wagon at some point, or we just need to be more disciplined this week. So when that keeps happening, it becomes encoded within us as this failure.

A failure of our willpower, a failure of our ability to manage our lives properly, A failure to have the necessary motivation to keep going. If that is the case for you, then first of all stop seeing it as a failure. It's just a pattern. It's a pattern which has become a habit for you.

It's a pattern that your system has learned to use to get out of a situation where you are feeling a lot of pressure and to get into a place where you feel like you can relax, you can let go, you can not have to focus on that thing anymore.

Because it often happens around these times when we are trying to change habits, when we're trying to change our lifestyle, when we're trying to do something healthier for ourselves.

Because we all know that when we're in that place, even though we know they're going to make us feel better, like we know intellectually, if I go do that workout, I'm going to feel better afterwards.

In the moment, we are drawn towards the easy solution, the comfortable solution, which is to tell ourselves, oh no, I don't have time for that really today.

I better get on and finish this thing, I'll do it tomorrow, I'll do it next week, or I'll start again in a couple of weeks when things are less busy. Because doing that thing is maybe not familiar. Doing that thing is not a habit yet. And so doing that thing feels uncomfortable in the moment.

And of course, as human beings we are driven towards comfort now over long term gains. And in order to push ourselves to do that thing, it requires us to have this bigger vision, this longer term vision.

And when maybe our nervous system is not quite on board, when maybe our nervous system is a bit dysregulated - even more so, we're going to go towards what feels comfortable now, what feels safe now.

And so we are often going through this process, aren't we? Of we set ourselves this big goal, we create this rigid schedule, and then we try and hold ourselves to that through sheer determination, sheer willpower, because that feels like the only way that we're going to stay in that. But unfortunately, more often than not, it's the very thing that keeps us revisiting that spiral in the first place.

And like I say, it's not a personal failing, it's just a pattern. It's just a pattern that we have learned because it's something that will be repeated over and over and over again.

And just like any habit, it becomes a habit that when we are shown the fork in the road, we choose one particular direction. And it's not always the direction that gives us that the long term result that we are looking for. It gives us the short term comfort.

And you know, the fact is that like so many things like this in our lives, the spiral isn't random. In fact, usually for many of us, it's very, very predictable.

Because I would bet if you look back at the last couple of times this has happened to you, it showed up at moments where maybe the rules started to feel a bit too restrictive. It's shown up at times when you felt out of control for some reason.

So work's got really busy, you've had a lot of stuff going on, or it's shown up when you feel like you've messed up in some small way and that's been blown out of proportion as a complete failure. So I've been really good with food all this week and tonight I ate a whole bar of chocol. We've failed, we've messed up.

We've blown it out of proportion into this massive reason why we cannot continue to do the thing that we said we were gonna do. But I want you to maybe reframe it like this. You haven't failed, you've just hit your capacity for forcing yourself to be good.

Because when we are forcing ourselves to be good, we are forcing ourselves to make a change. We're putting a lot of pressure on ourselves. We're creating this rigid schedule.

We're creating this kind of all or nothing thinking that requires a lot of force. We have to exert so much energy to keep us in that place.

And what's essentially happened is that we've sort of exceeded what our nervous system is willing to tolerate.

And so we've tipped over the edge into collapse, i.e. we no longer have or feel we have the capacity either physically or mentally or emotionally to continue. And so instead we step out of it.

We just step out of it and we step back into that comfortable spiral, yes, frustrating, yes, annoying, but comfortable, that allows us to settle that nervous system again and feel better and feel safe again because we've simply exceeded our levels of tolerance. We have these sort of windows of tolerance in our lives of the amount of pressure that we will take, we will tolerate.

And when we surpass those, when we're pushing ourselves so hard, or whether we're trying to get by through sheer determination and willpower and grit, then at some point we are going to stop tolerating that and we're going to tip over the edge. So if that keeps happening to you, I mean, it happens to all of us at certain points in our lives and it's not a problem.

Like it's pretty normal, I think, to sometimes just have really stressful periods where we just feel like we can't focus on that thing that we were trying to focus on and we need to, to focus on something else. And that is perfectly fine to do that as well.

But I think if this is a pattern that does keep coming up for you or comes up so often that is really messing with the results you're getting, then there is some stuff that you can do to minimize that happening. And I think some of it, yes, when you're in the spiral, but I'm kind of hoping you can catch it a little bit beforehand.

You can catch the early signs of, you know, you're starting to say to yourself, oh, it's, it's busy this week, isn't it? Oh, I've got a lot on this week. Oh, I feel overwhelmed this week.

And those are the first little inklings of the fact that in two days time you're going to turn around and go, oh, do you know what? I'm just so busy. I can't do that right now. I'm not going to do the workout.

And then we go into the spiral.

So, yes, you can use this when you're in the spiral, but I think if you can even notice it a little bit beforehand and put this into place so it doesn't like, worm its way fully into your brain and I think hopefully this is going to help you.

So the first thing to think about is what is feeling restrictive or heavy or what's pissing me off right now about how I'm having to show up?

Because if you are starting to feel resentful about the workouts you're having to do, if you're starting to feel resentful about, I don't know, counting your calories every day, or you start to feel resentful about that healthy meal you've got to prepare tonight, then that is only going to expand, particularly if you are quite busy, particularly you've got a lot going on, it's only going to expand and it's only going to land on you as you feeling resentful about it, not wanting to do it, and then like I say, exceeding that upper limit of what you are willing to deal with at this point in time. The more stressed we are, the more busy we are, the less regulated our nervous system is, the smaller that window of tolerance is going to be.

So what is feeling restrictive? What is pissing me off about how I have to show up right now? Because what we tend to do is we set our goals, we set our plans based on our best days.

We do it when we are feeling very motivated. We do it when we are feeling emotionally well regulated. And so we expect ourselves to stay in that state all the time.

And we do not account for those days when that is not the state that we're in. So understanding that, okay, I've got to plan for that bit as well.

I can't just assume that on this occasion I'm going to have the discipline, the willpower, the motivation to keep going. Then it allows you to just take away that kind of layer of pressure, that layer of restriction.

It allows you to understand, okay, this is why it feels restrictive, this is why it feels heavy, this is why it's just annoying me right now. And so we can start to take some of that away. We can start to reduce the pressure that is coming around that.

And I know we all feel like we need to go all out to get the result. That's why a lot of us get into this place.

Because like I say, we plan it when we are at our most motivated, at our most well regulated and we decide we're going to go for it.

But at the end of the day, if we keep stalling, if we keep going back into this spiral, then going all in is a pointless exercise because it's never going to work for you. So you might as well at least be prepared and be able to go, well, on the weeks that I am feeling more motivated, then I'm going to go for it.

And on the weeks that I'm not, I've got a plan, I know what I'm going to do so that I don't get into that spiral in the first place. So that's definitely the first thing that you can do.

The second thing that you can do, which is a bit more about, you know, when you're actually in the situation.

So when the situation is arising or oh, I want to eat half that cake or I want to give up the workout, or I'm getting so annoyed with this, I'm going to stop doing it, is to just remove yourself from the situation for a minute.

Because again, when this is happening, it's because we've reached the upper limit of our level of tolerance and so we are not maybe feeling particularly well regulated.

And when we're not feeling well regulated again, we revert to making decisions based on our comfort in the here and the now, on the thing which is going to make us feel better at this moment in time rather than the thing that's going to serve us for the longer term. So we need to create a bit of space between ourselves and that situation.

So it might be taking a five minute walk outside, it might be getting your journal out, it might be just lighting a candle, closing your eyes and just breathing for two minutes.

Anything that helps you to pause for a minute or two so you can feel what's going on in your body, you can notice how you're feeling and you don't need to do anything about it necessarily. It's just recognizing, oh, I feel really tense right now, or I feel really overwhelmed right now, or I feel really stressed right now.

And the thing is, often when we feel like that, the reaction is, well, I just need to double down and I need to work harder, I need to try harder and I need to ignore all the things that are going to make me feel better because I just need to power on through. But sometimes we can recognise it and go, okay, I'm just feeling really stressed right now. What can I do about that? It's going to help me.

And ironically, what is usually going to help you is to walk away from the thing which is causing you the stress to take a bit of time out to go do some exercise and move your body and then you feel better about it afterwards.

But I think it's just that recognition, I think a lot of what happens is when we're in at the upper level of our tolerance, we're in a very reactive state. We need to take ourselves out of that reactive state, we need to recognize where we are, because otherwise we can't do anything about it.

We will just literally, like I say, we'll react. It's suddenly like releasing a pressure valve, but it's only gonna piss us off because we did it again. Right?

So, you know, when we're about to skip the workout, what we tend to do is we intellectualize it. I can't do that workout today after all, because I'm too busy. Even though we sort of know that we're using it as an excuse.

So instead, when that's about to happen, just being in your body and reflecting what's really going on, am I genuinely too busy or am I just feeling overwhelmed?

And therefore, that's what I'm telling myself, because it feels better to sit here at my desk and continue to do the work, because I feel like that will make me feel less overwhelmed. Or actually is taking a step away from half an hour going and doing that workout going to help me to deal better with the rest of my day?

The answer is not always going to be to go and do the workout, but I think it's just an example of taking yourself out of the situation for the moment.

But if we can say, right, okay, I'm just feeling really stressed and this is what I need to do to fix that, or this is what I need to do to make myself feel a little bit more in control, then we can often stop that spiral from happening naturally. And inside The Body You'll Love Living In, one of the bonuses I've included in there are some somatic soundbites.

And what they essentially are, they're these mini audios which you can use in moments like that where you just need a little distance from your thoughts. So there are some of those in that particular program.

But even just doing it for yourself, like I say, light a candle, close your eyes, breathe for two minutes, just, okay, what's going on right now? I'm about to spiral. How can I just put some space between myself and that?

How can I bring myself back inside this window of tolerance a little bit more so that I can deal with this thing? So, yeah, definitely we can do that for ourselves.

And then I think something else that we can do for ourselves as well is just check in with what we actually need right now. Are you grabbing a handful of chocolates right now because you feel really stressed and you're trying to distract yourself from it?

Are you tempted to sack off the workouts for a couple of weeks because you feel like it's the answer to overwhelm?

Because then you could just keep powering through the to do list, even though you know in reality moving your body is going to actually help you deal with the situation better. So what is it you actually need and what are you trying to use to fix that?

What are you using to put a sticking plaster over it rather than actually dealing with the thing, rather than actually allowing yourself just to feel stressed sometimes? Like, sometimes I'm just like, okay, I just feel stressed right now. It's okay, it doesn't feel great right now, but it's just how I'm feeling.

Rather than I feel stressed, I'm gonna go grab chocolate. So just again, it's putting space between the reaction and where you actually are.

And again, not necessarily having to take action on it, do anything about it. Just recognizing, just starting to recognize those patterns within you.

Starting to recognize that if you've made this excuse once, you've probably made it several times before.

If you've had this reaction once, you've probably had it several times before, you are probably seeing those habitual patterns come up over and over and over again for you. So I almost want you to pause them. I want you to kind of go, oh, hang on a minute. What's actually going on here? How can I understand myself better?

How can I understand my reactions better?

And how can I therefore use that to help me grow my window of tolerance so that the next time I'm feeling that pressure, I'm in a less reactive state and I'm in a more proactive state. Because that's what we want to get ourselves into, is out of the reactive and into the proactive.

And the more that you can take a step back and regulate the nervous system, the more proactive you can become and the less likely this spiral becomes?

But before I finish talking about that, I do want to be very clear that with all these things, the answer sometimes is to sack off the workouts for a while and deal with the other stuff. Sometimes it's okay if the choice you make is to handful of chocolates, right? We're not trying for perfection here. We're not going - If you start to recognise and you start to put some space between yourself and other things, then you're going to have the perfect response every time. That's not what we're looking for, but we're just looking for ways that you can start to know yourself better.

We're looking for ways that you can start to build that deeper self trust that says I know what I need in this situation so that we can be proactive in that situation rather than reactive.

So that instead of having that standard response that you resort to time and time and time again, you can have a different response that comes from a more regulated place, from a place where you're making a real conscious decision. And hopefully by doing that, it's going to prevent that spiral happening every single time. It'll still happen sometimes, absolutely.

But it's going to happen less and it allows you to sometimes mess up, to sometimes make a different decision and then just jump back in from where you where you are right now so you're not feeling like you constantly got to start over again and again and again. You just jump back in. You're like, okay, where was I? Let's jump back in there. Let's continue. Let's carry on.

Okay, so let's wrap it up there.

I hope you found that helpful the next time you're going to enter the spiral. In fact, if you do, if you use some of that and you think that really helped me actually, then I'd love to hear more. So do drop me a dm.

I'll put the link in the show notes for that.

And if you are ready to find or build that different rhythm that can actually hold you in those moments that will usually trigger that spiral, then come and join me inside the body you'll love living in.

And a little reminder that when you do join me at the moment, I've got those three amazing bonuses for you as well, including those somatic sound bites that I mentioned before. So head over to lifeeditcoaching.com to find out more and I'll put the link in the show notes.

And with all of that said, I'm going to love you and leave you and I'll see you back here again next time.

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you have loved this episode, don't forget to hit follow so you don't miss miss future episodes.

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